i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
