my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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