When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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