Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
