I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
