My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
