if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
