Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
