He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
