JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
