its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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