Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
