You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
