tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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