Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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