I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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