Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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