i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
