Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
