I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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