I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize