I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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