Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
