I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
