I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
