i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
