tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
