I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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