The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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