all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize