Umm I'm too high to move.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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