Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
