About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
