The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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