T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
