I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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