for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
