I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
