PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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