I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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