Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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