If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
