im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
