she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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