Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
