he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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