This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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