Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
