Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
