That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
