The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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