You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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