I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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