Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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