so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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