I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
