and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My dick has a subreddit
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
