K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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