Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize