new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
