Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
