You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
