At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
oh god the rape fog is back!
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
