ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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