someone owes me an orgasm
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
